A Short Quiz

Here’s a novel idea (resisting urge to make a ‘book’ based joke); I’m gonna do a little quiz, but one that’s not reliant on salient facts. I do have a lot of useless facts stored in my head like so much ‘Cash in the Attic’ clutter, so I love doing quizzes of any kind to prove / fake how clever I am. But in this instance, I’m doing a quiz to see if anyone reading these pixilated scrawls shares my viewpoint of certain people (basically, it’s the first meeting of ‘Kill-joy Misanthropes Anonymous’, with a fun quiz to see if you’re eligible to join).
I’m going to describe some people in my own special way and see if you can spot who they are. Please comment or e-mail me your answers and I’ll post the actual answers at a later date.
On your marks, get set, stay sitting down and read!!

1) A bizarre combination of bailiff and vicar; a more severely split personality than Edward Norton’s character in ‘Fight Club’. He comes across as someone who would comfort his child after they’d wet the bed but then swiftly change gears to call them a ‘pissy pants Nancy’ if they said someone he didn’t like. Entertaining, but an ultimately a total cunt.
2) There have been many unsolved mysteries across human experience; such as the Marie Celeste, the Bermuda triangle and the identity of ‘the Stig’. But one of the biggest is why this woman is given ANY airtime at all. Considering her ‘credentials’ and her hideous, poison-filled mask of a face, I can’t understand why she’s in a position to judge anyone or have her opinion treated like gospel. Might be because she has a far more successful sister.
3) Looks like he has no soul; just a mannequin in a suit with a ‘Blair circa 1997’ winning smile. Seems to embody everything that can be wrong with middle England; self-interest, narrow-mindedness, eager to climb in social status at any cost (not that he could climb much higher already without becoming royalty). Plus he promotes the use of utter twats as city mayors.
4) Exactly what the country needs; a welcome tonic from years of ignorance and aggression. The public seem to fear / suspect his intelligence and see him as ‘elitist’. But it’s about time someone with actual intelligence and grace held that position. Besides, you can’t get more elitist than his predecessor (oil baron, multi-millionaire).
5) Exactly what this country doesn’t need. A vile, self-serving, bigoted opportunist with just one point of view that is tragically flawed and comically delivered by his faithful followers. Has all the sophistication of a tabloid headline with half the insight; I would grin ear to ear if I heard some sniper took him out while he was ‘campaigning’.