'Read All About It'

I delight in annoying certain people. I like to say or do things that would be considered ‘controversial’ because I simply don’t trust given / mainstream things; this goes for everything from religion to pop culture (not read a single Harry Potter book precisely because they are so arse-bleedingly popular). This attitude does make me come across as cruel, intolerant and elitist, which is only partly true. I’m not a very cruel person, though just like everyone else I am capable of thinking quite cruel and vicious things. I am extremely tolerant, up to a point; I’m not in any way racist, homophobic or bigoted, I’m not sexist and I don’t discriminate against anyone based on anything as shallow and stupid as their nationality. I’m not really elitist; in many ways I abhor the idea that anyone is superior to anyone else.

But despite all this I can make the following statement:

‘I hope the editor of the Daily Mail chokes on his own vomit and rids the world of their filth and the readership gets incurable infections in their genitals’.

Now, this statement may seem to tick all of the offensive characteristics mentioned above and in many ways it does, I suppose. The only valid excuse or reason I can give for this is that my hatred, intolerance and feeling of superiority over these Fleet Street swill-merchants can be completely justified and explained (whereas most of their hate-mongering articles can’t).

One thing to say from the outset; now matter how much I hate these people and what they stand for, I don’t actually wish death on them. I wouldn’t care if they did drop dead tomorrow from a heart attack or a sniper’s bullet, but I certainly don’t want / wish for it to happen. I am a rational and sane human being and I couldn’t kill anyone. I just say I do as a way of conveying just how much anger the likes of the Daily Mail brings out in me. On the flip side, both the makers and faithful readers of this fine publication would print and read something like ‘Death By Stoning For All Paedophiles’ or ‘Asylum Seekers Responsible for 90% of Rapes’ and be completely serious!!! (had to add three exclamations to that one because it makes me so angry and confused that if I were I say this out loud I’d wind up screaming involuntarily).

This paper is the voice of the scared and stupid of Middle England, what Richard Nixon referred to as ‘the silent majority’ (you know, the ones who thought Vietnam was a good idea and spat at disabled veterans who disagreed). It’s fitting that they are called ‘the silent majority’ because they do tend to keep their mouths shut and get all their ideas and opinions fed to them through a straw by the likes of the Daily Mail. They are spine-less, ignorant and lacking basic common sense.

What makes my hatred of someone I don’t know different from theirs? Well, for one thing, you can bet that any immigrant-hating, prudish homophobe Tory who reads the Mail has never met an immigrant or homosexual in his life, but is more than willing to loathe them based on no factual information or first hand experience. Whereas I can spew acidic bile at the Daily Mail because I’ve read their articles and have enough intelligence to know an agenda-driven piece of populist propaganda when I see it.

Three articles in particular that highlight their obvious and absurd ‘values’.

1) The recent population boom: The Independent had a headline of ‘Population Goes Past 60 Million’. The Sun said ‘Randy Couples Push Population Over 60 Million’. The Mail said; ‘Immigrant Mothers Push Population Over 60 Million’. Hmmmm, I smell biased and prejudice.

2) The ‘Emo’ article: This piece focussed on the ‘suicide cult’ surrounding ‘emo’

rock music and it’s fans. Also mentioned how the music actively encouraged kids to kill themselves and self-harm. Well, speaking as someone who’s been a fan of that genre of music and an ex ‘self-harmer’, that analysis is utter crap and conjecture fuelled by parental paranoia. I cut myself for my own personal reasons and if anything, music like that helped me feel less alone and depressed.

3) The recent ‘Stephen Gately’ article: A hideous woman with a clearly homophobic

attitude had the gaul to say that Stephen Gately’s death was not from ‘natural causes’ as the coroner concluded but that it was a result of his ‘lifestyle’. (Basically, homosexuality and all that depravity that goes with it, kills young men, somehow…not sure how, but it does because it’s wrong…and bad…and I think)..



SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! You vile, despicable bitch!! Fuck you and your rag! You are the poison that has infected this country and made us hate and fear each other for no good reason. You are dinosaurs that need to be made extinct!

So yeah, from me you get a degree of intolerance, plenty of cruel intentions and a sense of superiority to boot. But fucking hell, can you really blame me?? I think I have a case, yeah? If you don’t agree, you might want to check your nether regions tonight.

*Puts away voodoo dolls and newspaper clippings*